In the last post, I mentioned getting a call from Amy, a first-time mother. She’s nice, very intelligent, very well educated. She has a good sense of humor and a nice husband. When they took baby Henry home a few days ago, he looked great. He was losing weight, as expected.
Usually, babies are born with a store of extra fluid. For the first day or so, it’s not unusual for them to sleep nearly all the time. They aren’t hungry yet, and a lot of their energy is taken up just keeping their body temperature stable. Sometimes a new mom is worried by this.
Some breastfeeding books—and advisors—convey the idea that a newborn baby is completely driven to nurse from the moment of the first breath. It’s true that babies have rooting and sucking reflexes when they are born, and that they can nurse if it’s available. It’s unfortunate that some new mothers get the expectation that their newborn will nurse immediately and often during that first day. Though exhausted by giving birth, some first-time mothers just can’t put the baby down. Having pestered Santa for 9 months about that big toy they’ve been wanting, they finally see it under the tree. Now that it’s open, they don’t even want to go to sleep and miss precious playtime with it. The baby has also usually had a pretty exhausting first day. It’s not unusual for a baby to sleep 22 of the first 24 hours. So I hear a lot of concern and disappointment when I’m told that every time the baby is put to breast, he falls asleep.
The problem with unrealistic expectations about nursing, of course, isn’t that they will result in a less-healthy baby. They will, however, cause the mother to question the viability of her plan to nurse, and question her body’s capability to make milk. I put this squarely on the culture of breastfeeding, at least in the community I’m in. The books make it sound easy, painless, and problem-free. This, as I’ve said, is counterproductive.
It’s been a revelation for me to see the peer pressure at work in my community. That clique of mean ‘popular’ girls in high school has morphed, at least here in Berkeley, into the competitive breastfeeding league. They are the women who see a mother in the park and through warm smiles tell about nursing their baby blissfully and without problems. Until high-school. They won’t fail to tell horror stories about the ground-glass and petrochemicals in baby formula, the hormone-like bisphenols in baby bottles that are so potent that you might as well start saving now for the kid’s gender-reassignment surgery. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
As if these pressures aren’t enough, new mothers have a lot to cope with. Their lives have been turned upside-down, their careers are, at best, in limbo, their relationships have changed, they aren’t getting enough sleep, their breasts have changed, their privates have changed, and they have—did I mention this?—a baby.
I’m prepared for breastfeeding questions and problems.
Amy said that she had a couple of questions. She said she was worried that something was going wrong with nursing. Over the prior few days, as expected, her breasts gradually would become engorged, and she had been producing milk. She knew it because she would leak milk. When Henry nursed, she could hear him swallowing, and some milk would leak out of his mouth when he was done. I told her that was great. But this morning, when she awoke, her breasts seemed different. They seemed both to be kind of deflated, flatter. Not painful or red. Henry seemed completely satisfied when he nursed, and was audibly swallowing as ever. She was still leaking. I found this all pretty reassuring, and told her so. I asked if she had ever seen a nature-show on TV or a National Geographic article that showed women who nursed their babies but don’t have bras in their culture. They just aren’t, I pointed out, perky. There’s a reason, after all, that Frederick’s is ‘of Hollywood’ and not, for example, ‘of Manaus.’ Appearance and functionality are simply not linked.
It’s worth mentioning that for most of their lives, women get strong messages about their appearance. Men do too, of course, and I speculate that the pervasive influence of visual media has tended to increase the appearance-pressure on boys and men. Still, women are bombarded. In deep and subtle ways, these appearance pressures are all about cultural beliefs concerning attractiveness and ability to find and retain a mate. Sometimes, as I create a dialog with mothers, they are concerned about the ways in which their bodies change. It’s natural enough to think about this. I wondered if this was the basis of her concern.
She said she was concerned that the baby wasn’t getting enough. This was the most common concern of new moms who breastfeed. I’ll point out again that though the words are about infant nutrition, the meaning is all about anxiety.
I asked her to relate the entire day up to the time of her call. She didn’t understand where I was going with this, but went along with my questions. Every thing she said she did—even getting out of bed—was coupled with a question from me. “Did the baby have a wet diaper? Did you change him?” By the time she got to our phone call, about 4:30 in the afternoon, she had changed at least 8 wet diapers, most of which had a little bit of soft yellow poop. It was a revelation to her that he went through that many diapers. It’s a normal amount. I asked what else she fed the baby. She was confused by this question and a little shocked. Nothing else, of course. How about her husband? Did he take the baby to a drive-through window for a bacon double-cheeseburger? Of course not. So if the baby is having about a dozen wet diapers a day, he must be getting plenty of fluid from someplace. If it’s not the all-you-can-drink fountain dispenser at a fast-food restaurant, it must be from her. She embraced this reassurance.
I also made the following offer. She could bring the baby to the office every single day and use our baby scale to weigh the baby. The scale doesn’t lie, doesn’t give exaggerated reassurance. If the baby is gaining weight appropriately, she’ll see it for herself. If not, I’ll be right there to make whatever changes are needed. I will not let her baby, or her, fail.
As an aside, I strongly discourage anybody from getting a baby scale in their home. It is not useful in feeding management for healthy babies. It is both a material manifestation of psychopathological anxiety and a prop that enables and exacerbates that anxiety. It doesn’t help the baby. By the way, I have recently been hearing about new parents who are advised to take their baby’s temperature daily or several times a day. Even if it weren’t ironic, I would really advise most of these parents, too, to chill.
Each of these reassurances seemed to help. I felt like I was helping her. She asked me, “Do you think I’ll still be nursing in 6 months? I mean, you know, if he’s still…here.”
I said, “Give me your street address. I’ll be right over.” I got in my car and was there in moments. That’s the next post.